I have missed you guys!  Did you miss me?  I hope so and I apologize for “ghosting” y’all.  I’ve always identified as an introverted/extrovert; someone who needs to be alone to create and then come out and perform. But this was very different.  If you’ve been a fan of Andrea Nittoli or of my podcast Andreatown (please subscribe) you know that I struggle with consistency.  It is something I have battled my whole life, and I am not here to say that I have conquered that in any way.  It’s like the line from Dirty Dancing: “if you love me Daddy you have to love all the things about me.” And this is definitely a part of me.  

So where the hell have I been?  Well after doing a podcast on Andreatown (please subscribe) called “Stepping away from the 12 steps”  I did just that I stepped away!  Big Time! I threw away books, fired sponsors, and deleted phone numbers.  I felt like I had been duped, I had spent the better part of a decade in those rooms and I thought it wasn’t working.  There is a saying “it works if you work it.” I had conveniently forgotten that saying.  I took off and left it all behind.  Surely I could have a glass of wine or two I am a grown ass woman.  I set off and did just that.  I would love to write some elaborate tale of how bad it got, how I was drunk everyday, swinging from chandeliers etc…But the truth is I had a no more than a couple of glasses of wine here and there.  Although the last week before I quit I had a bottle in my fridge and I started having a little every night to help me sleep, and I could see where this was going.  I felt lost, I missed my spiritual connection that I get in my meetings, I missed human connection that I also get, and I was feeling more and more depressed.  So I went back, swallowed my pride and stood up as a newcomer.  

Being back has shown me what 12 step meetings really are for me, a room full of people who love me (not everyone) and who I love (not everyone) and who are working on themselves (not everyone.  I’m so happy to be home.

I never went back to using drugs I have never had any drugs since I put them down over 30 years ago.  I’m proud of that, but wine is a drug and I remember every time I would pour a glass I would think “Why not?”

I know now that there are a lot of reasons as to “Why not?”  Too many to mention.  I have always been passionate about helping other and if this helps somebody great!  Even more than helping others, I am helping myself.  I am committed to being transparent and to leaning in to my vulnerability and to recognizing shame.  Shame really is a monster in my life.  I think that’s what the drinking was always about for me.  I felt a lot of shame that I haven’t succeeded in the ways I wanted to, but my life is far from over.  Every day is a new day to wake up and go for what you want.

I thank you so much for being a part of my journey, and I wish each and every one of you (not everyone) an amazing year!  

Happy 2020!

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