I have missed you guys! Did you miss me? I hope so and I apologize for “ghosting” y’all. I’ve always identified as an introverted/extrovert; someone who needs to be alone to create and then come out and perform. But this was very different. If you’ve been a fan of Andrea Nittoli or of my podcast Andreatown (please subscribe) you know that I struggle with consistency. It is something I have battled my whole life, and I am not here to say that I have conquered that in any way. It’s like the line from Dirty Dancing: “if you love me Daddy you have to love all the things about me.” And this is definitely a part of me.
So where the hell have I been? Well after doing a podcast on Andreatown (please subscribe) called “Stepping away from the 12 steps” I did just that I stepped away! Big Time! I threw away books, fired sponsors, and deleted phone numbers. I felt like I had been duped, I had spent the better part of a decade in those rooms and I thought it wasn’t working. There is a saying “it works if you work it.” I had conveniently forgotten that saying. I took off and left it all behind. Surely I could have a glass of wine or two I am a grown ass woman. I set off and did just that. I would love to write some elaborate tale of how bad it got, how I was drunk everyday, swinging from chandeliers etc…But the truth is I had a no more than a couple of glasses of wine here and there. Although the last week before I quit I had a bottle in my fridge and I started having a little every night to help me sleep, and I could see where this was going. I felt lost, I missed my spiritual connection that I get in my meetings, I missed human connection that I also get, and I was feeling more and more depressed. So I went back, swallowed my pride and stood up as a newcomer.
Being back has shown me what 12 step meetings really are for me, a room full of people who love me (not everyone) and who I love (not everyone) and who are working on themselves (not everyone. I’m so happy to be home.
I never went back to using drugs I have never had any drugs since I put them down over 30 years ago. I’m proud of that, but wine is a drug and I remember every time I would pour a glass I would think “Why not?”
I know now that there are a lot of reasons as to “Why not?” Too many to mention. I have always been passionate about helping other and if this helps somebody great! Even more than helping others, I am helping myself. I am committed to being transparent and to leaning in to my vulnerability and to recognizing shame. Shame really is a monster in my life. I think that’s what the drinking was always about for me. I felt a lot of shame that I haven’t succeeded in the ways I wanted to, but my life is far from over. Every day is a new day to wake up and go for what you want.
I thank you so much for being a part of my journey, and I wish each and every one of you (not everyone) an amazing year!